Too long.

I didn't realize how long it has been since I've last posted. My apologies, faithful readers. I feel like I've said that line before... hmm. Perhaps I have. 

Well, I've now been in the Netherlands for almost 14 months. My best friend here, Selby, made me decide to stay a few months later. I should be home, but I'll now be flying back to Toronto on the 8th of January and I cannot wait. I do enjoy living here, I have my friends, my pub, and it's so easy to travel. But I do miss my family and my friends back home, my animals, my home. Only 63 more days and when that time comes I'm sure I will not want to go home and be completely devastated. I know that home will always be there,  but once I leave here, I will never come back to this life. This house will no longer be my home, these kids will no longer be the kids that I take care of on a daily basis, the friends I have now will be long gone and on to new adventures. C'est la vie. 

Selby and I went back to Dublin in September, because I needed to leave the Netherlands due to visa purposes. We were there for a total of 36 hours but it was definitely nice to be back and see some familiar faces. I ended up meeting a nice Irish fella at Fibber's who actually came to visit us here in Holland, but unfortunately things just didn't work out. But that's okay. He's a nice guy and hopefully we will continue to be friends. 

We were also planning on heading back there for Christmas but I think we are going to England in December. I've already been to Ireland twice and I do love it, but I'd like to see someplace I haven't been before. It depends on money and our vacation time but if all goes well, we'll be able to see some amazing friends who we've really grown close to over the past year via internet and have a grand ol' time. And sip on some English cider.. Yes, I really hope this happens! 

I don't think I have much else to post about. Ooh. I'm really fortunate to have had this experience here in Europe but there have been so many important events that I've missed back in Canada. My cousin's wedding out West, my aunt's wedding, my brother and sister's 20th birthdays (no longer teenagers, God I feel old), the passing of my beloved dog, and just yesterday was my other brothers graduation from the Naval Academy. He's been away in Quebec at bootcamp for 6 weeks or so, and today he is being shipped off to British Columbia. I am very proud of him and I hope he enjoys being in the Navy and living in BC. 

Right. I think that's all.. Hopefully I'll be back sooner than later. 

Cheers x

They come in threes.

It's been nearly a month since I've updated this, and I figured I had better get my butt on here and do so. Considering quite a few things have happened recently.

First of all, me and my two lady friends ventured off to Dublin, Ireland and Barcelona, Spain for 12 days of.. I'd like to say rest and relaxation, but more like a lot of walking and drinking beer. I basically needed a week of R&R to recover from this trip! And may I just say that I'm really shattered that I picked Holland instead of Ireland to move to, considering Dublin was my #1 choice. Blah. We couchsurfed, and stayed with a bunch of Brazilian boys and one Irishman, who were incredibly friendly and fun to be around. We have plans to go back there in the next month or two to visit them, so hopefully that happens :) 

Barcelona was nice as well, but incredibly hot and humid. I miss the 1 euro smoothies in the market off Las Ramblas the most. As well as the Mediterranean. I went on my first pub crawl there, and it was so much fun. Met some Americans, some Canadians, good times. On the last night of our trip, we went for a couple beers at Travel Bar Port, which we had discovered on our pub crawl. Met two Canadian boys from the Ottawa area who joined us for the night, as well as a Dutch girl who was new in town, and an English fellow. After the pub kicked us out, we wandered down to the sea and being incredibly intoxicated, decided it was a good night for a swim. So I stripped down and sprinted into the water. The Englishman joined me, while the others hung out on the beach. I hadn't been in the water for very long when I felt a burning, stinging sensation on my left inner thigh. Jellyfish. Fucking sweet! The Englishman grabs me and carries me out of the water while I'm screaming bloody murder, and he and Selby both proceeded to piss on me. Sweet! It helped for just a few seconds, so they tried balsamic vinegar from a nearby restaurant. Nope. Began the trek home and one of the Canadian boys bought me some cream from a pharmacy. How sweet. We all parted ways, except for the Englishman who walked us home. Selby headed into the apartment building first, accidentally locking us out. She comes back down several minutes later in tears, telling us that she had just gotten a message from home stating that a friend of hers had passed away in a car accident. It wasn't a good scene. And then.. oh yes, there is more.. then we get stuck in the elevator that's built for one or two people, with four of us in it. You know what they say about bad things coming in three's...

It was good to get back to Holland, but now I want to get out more than ever. I called home a few days after my return, and discovered from my father that he had been to the doctor and they'd discovered skin cancer on his forehead. Break my heart. He then tried to make a joke and say that the positioning of it made it look like he was growing a horn and turning into a unicorn. I had to laugh. Good news though - they got rid of it all, thank God. 

On Sunday, August 16, 2009 Selby and I cycled to the station out of pure boredom. We had been lying in bed all day and really needed to get out. We grabbed a couple of smoothies and sat ourselves down on the benches out front. Suddenly, there's a lot of commotion and screaming. These two men were fighting, while a little girl and several others looked on in horror. He pulled out a knife, and stabbed the other man. Some bystanders jumped on them, and held the guy until the police arrived, 15 minutes later. The injured man lay on the ground, bleeding to death. It punctured his heart and lungs, and he didn't make it. Turns out that the pregnant woman, the mother to the little girl, was stabbed as well, by her ex husband who was stalking her, because he wanted to see his daughter, the little girl. And he murdered her boyfriend, the father to the unborn child. I honestly could not believe my eyes. I have never seen something so evil, so cruel, in all my life. I was in hysterics, shaking, crying, on the verge of vomiting. I wanted to go up there and kick that man in his face while those other men held him down on the ground. 

For the first few days, it was like a tape on repeat in my mind. Constantly playing itself over and over and over again. It was the first thing I thought of when I woke up, and the last thing I thought of when I went to bed. Just knowing that I witnessed the last moments of that man's life, watching the scene that took him away from his family, his life. I feel extremely guilty for having not done anything, scream, try to break it up, something, anything. I feel sick thinking about it. Life is so unfair.

We do have a therapy session tomorrow at the police station to talk about it and hopefully get some help, some closure. 

under the Tuscan sun

So I spent two weeks, or just about, in Viareggio, Italy with my house family for vacation. We drove, which really wasn't as bad as I was expecting. The kids were a bit of a pain in the butt, but that's to be expected considering Bella isn't even 3 yet, and Luna just turned 6. We drove from 9am until 7pm or so, and spent the night in Lugano, Switzerland, this beautiful town on this gorgeous lake, nestled between the mountains. I'm really glad we drove because I got to see some amazing sights. It was kind of funny, going from the flat lands of Holland, to the rolling, luscious hills of Germany, to the Alps of Switzerland. 

While in Italy, we ate plenty of pasta, swam in the Mediterranean almost every day, and I got to see some great cities. Firenze, better known as Florence, Pisa, Lucca, San Gimignano and Volterra, being my favourite. We camped, and it was nothing like I had expected, but it was a really good trip. 

We left on July 11th and got back on the 24th after driving for 15 hours, including rest stops. I was really glad to be back though. To sleep in my own bed (which I only did the first night and spent the rest of the time at Selby's), to see my friends and have a computer to call my family back in Canada. Unfortunately, my only Canadian friend had left while I was gone, and it sucks not having her around anymore. And today, Riki moved home to South Africa. I am absolutely heartbroken. She was the 3rd friend I had made here, the first two have already left. So, she was my longest friend here, and we had so many great times, and she was so different and unique and funny. I'm really going to miss her.

But tomorrow Kirsty, Selby and I are off to Dublin until the 4th, and then we're heading to Barcelona and will be back in Holland on the 10th. I'm pretty stoked but a little worried because I don't have my Visa. They never sent it to me in the mail. I only have the temporary one in my passport and I really hope they don't give me trouble and make me stay in freakin' Holland. Bleh. Here's to hoping all goes well and we have a safe and happy trip :) 

Food for thought.

I did not write this - 

I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be in the long term benefits of life. Sunscreen has been proven by scientists, whereas the rest of my advice has no reliable source except my own experience, I will dismiss this advice now. Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth, well nevermind, you will never understand the beauty and power of your youth till you are older. But trust me in 20 years or so you will look back on photos of yourself and you can't grasp that, how much possibility laid before you, and how fabulous you really looked. 
You are not as fat as you ever imagined, or as you ever told yourself. Don't worry about the future.  Worrying is about as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum. The real troubles in your life have to be the things that never crossed your worried mind. Do one thing everyday that scares you, sing? Don't be reckless with other peoples hearts, don't put up with people who are reckless with yours. Don't waste your time on jealousy, sometimes you're already ahead, sometimes you're behind. The race is long but in the end it's only with yourself. For every compliment that has been seen, forget the insult. If you succeed in doing this, tell me how. Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life, the most interesting people I know at 22 didn't know what they wanted to do with their lives. Some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know still don't. Take plenty of calcium, be kind to your knees, you'll miss them when they're gone. Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll have children, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll divorce at 40, your choices will always be there, so will everyone elses. Enjoy your body and use it anyway you can, don't be afraid of it, or what other people think of it, it's the greatest instrument you will ever own. Dance, even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own living room. Read directions even if you don't follow them. Do not read magazines they will only make you feel ugly. Get to know your parents, you never know when they'll be gone for good. Be nice to your siblings they are the best friends of your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future. Understand that friends come and go, so don't hold on unless you have that gut feeling. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography, because the older you get, the more you need the people you knew when you were young. You will get old, and when you do you will fantasize about when you were young, prices were reasonable, polititians were noble, children respected their elders. Don't expect anyone else to support you, maybe you'll have a trust fund. Don't mess around too much with your hair. If so by the time you're 40 it will look like it's 85. Be careful who's advice you abide by, but be patient with those who take the time. But trust me on the sunscreen.

Why can't I be what you need?

Yikes. It's been far too long. My apologies, faithful readers. Ahem. Yeah, right.. 

Yesterday was the Free Festival in Almere. OMG. Thousands of Dutch people, different stages, DJ's, different types of music, lots of alcohol and a whole lotta dancing. Way too much fun. 

Today is Luna's 6th birthday. Marielle invited me to go to dinner with them but I don't feel like sitting around listening to everyone speak Dutch and hardly understanding a damn thing. Speaking of Marielle, she's out of a job. My schedule is totally messed up now, and I don't particularly like it. She's had a couple of interviews already and hopefully she finds something soon. 

In much more exciting news - I have a trip booked to Dublin and Barcelona July 30-August 10. I cannot wait, I just really hope I'm able to save enough money by that time. But hey, at least my flights are paid for. Selby and Kirsty will be accompanying me, and hopefully we will be couchsurfing and meeting some amazing individuals along the way. 

I've been really confused as of late. Do I go back to Canada in September, and stay there for good? Get a shitty dead end job or attempt to figure out my career? Go back to school? Go back to being miserable like I was before? Or perhaps this year of living abroad will make things different? Perhaps I'll actually be happy back in Canada. Do I move elsewhere in Europe, England for example, and be an au pair there? Or should I get a place of my own, and work in a pub? Or do I stay in Holland, as an au pair for another year? There are 3 reasons I want to stay here .. and they are all human. Now, say I decide to stay here for another year, and these 3 reasons disappear out of my life, or things change, and I am no longer happy. There are so many 'What ifs?' going through my head. 

Why can't someone just make up my mind for me? 

Just tell me to stay, and I will...

They make me see that you're the one

So what's happened since my last post? Hm. Well the ladies and I had a great time at Kristy's going away party in Amsterdam. Most of the night is a blur but Coco's Outback is one of the best pubs I've ever set foot in. She's back in Australia now and even though we weren't that close, she was an awesome girl and the times we shared were nothing but fun! 

Amy leaves on Monday for Australia. She got kicked out after her house family found out, and would rather just go home then find another job here. I'm really going to miss her, she's like my long lost twin! We are so similar and have so much fun together. That really is the hardest part about this job, meeting so many people that you connect with and love, and then they all leave. It's fucking rough. 

The weather has been so lovely. Sunny, warm, I love it. Makes living just that much easier. Shitty weather depresses me.

Never felt this way in my whole life

Never had this feeling before tonight

I can't get you off my mind

Cause you shine, girl

Oh you know you shine

What's going on?

I'm absolutely gutted.

I guess, for the most part, things have been okay lately. My Aussie friend and I went out a few weekends ago and got stupid drunk, and then got pulled over by the police. Fuckin' sweet! I have the worst judgement ever and I'm a horrible friend. When will I ever smarten the fuck up? Seriously. I guess it's better that than a car crash, but still... I need to stop being such an idiot when I'm drunk. I actually didn't drink this weekend that just passed, because of that incident. No wait, I lie, I had a couple glasses of wine on Friday night in my backyard with my friend and my house mom. 

Amsterdam next Saturday for another Aussie friends going away bash, and I do plan on getting stupid drunk, once again. I need it. Am I turning into an alcoholic? I wonder. I'd hate to take the same path that so many of my family members took. I'm better than that aren't I? 

Aren't  I?

Just over 5 months until I'm home. Thank fucking God. Although I'll probably hate it about a month after I'm home and peace out once again soon after that... But I'm planning on staying within North America so at least I won't be so far from home. 

I really don't know what's gotten into me. It's not even like I have a shitty life. My life is good. I'm living in another country, the family that I live and work for is incredible, the friends I have here are great, I have family and friends back home that love me.

Twenty-five years and my life is still

Trying to get up that great big hill of hope

For a destination

And I realized quickly when I knew I should

That the world was made up of this brotherhood of man

For whatever that means

And so I cry sometimes

When I'm lying in bed

Just to get it all out

What's in my head

And I am feeling a little peculiar

And so I wake in the morning 

And I step outside

And I take a deep breath and I get real high

And I scream at the top of my lungs

What's going on?

Falling.

Falling, falling, falling.

So hard. So fast. This is unreal. 

I've been rather homesick lately. 

In this city.

I am not entirely sure where to start this, or how to say what I need to say, or want to say. The past 6 months have been difficult at times, but for the most part, very rewarding. I've gotten the opportunity to live in another country, another continent, to meet new people and experience new cultures. To feel what it's like to live so far from home, with people you don't really know. To grow by yourself, and learn more about yourself. 

As homesick as I get sometimes, I don't think I would trade this experience for the world. Yes, it can be very hard but for the most part, the positives do outweigh the negatives, and I'm happy with that. 

I've had to deal with my beloved dog passing away the day after my 22nd birthday, and not being there to say goodbye to her, after she was so loving and faithful for the past 12 years of my life. That hurt like hell, but at least I know that she is in a better place, far better than Earth could ever be. I've had to find out that my cousin has breast cancer, which is never fun. They say she's going to be fine and I really hope she will be, because she has 3 young children at home. What an ugly disease. 

Now, just the other day, I found out one of my best friends may have cancer as well. She's always been there for me and I feel terrible that I'm not there when she needs it the most. That is the hardest part about this, being so far away and there's absolutely nothing you can do about it. It kills me inside. She is such an amazing human being and I really hope that the doctors are wrong. 

About a month or so ago, I received a facebook message from a young man who I had met on a drunken night in Amsterdam. I don't recall this encounter, but like I said, I was very much under the influence of alcohol. I've only been out in Amsterdam on a few occasions and I can't, for the life of me, remember this, but what can you do? Anyway, turns out he's also Canadian and is living with his relatives here in Holland. We have yet to meet sober, but we do talk quite a bit and have become good friends. Unfortunately, a few days before we were to meet up, his father had a heart attack. I assume he wasn't very old, and it came as quite a shock. So obviously, he had to go home to be with his family. During the middle of heart surgery, his father passed away. I feel horrible for this guy, I mean, he had everything going for him, was traveling, seeing the world, and then his father is ripped from his life. Nobody deserves that and yes, I know death will come to us all, but sometimes it's so unfair and so early in one's life. I just wish, more than anything, that I could be back in Canada for him and my friend. 

I don't know how much more I can take < / 3

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You came in to my life,

You cannot separate yourself.

And I found that round here, in this city

That I won't disappear, in this city

I got nothing to fear, in this city

When in Rome.

Yikes, it's been awhile. So sorry faithful readers. Ha, yeah right...

The family and I moved from 's-Graveland to Naarden-Vesting on the last weekend in January. Lucky for me, I spent the weekend with friends and came home to an unpacked house. I like it. It's a lot smaller but I don't mind, and it's much more convenient. Bella now goes to a daycare here so that's only a 5 minute walk, and it's only a 25 minute walk to Luna's school, and a 5 minute bike ride to Riki's. Whereas before I would have to take buses to pick the girls up and it was a 30 minute bike ride to Riki's. Much better! It's a really cute, fairytale town, completely surrounded by water and bomb shelters, with cobblestone streets and quaint little shops. I live in the attic, and the stairs are a little scary but I have a window in the roof and it's bright and cheery. The only problem is I'm living out of suitcases because I don't have a dresser or anything, so that sucks. Oh well... only 6.5 months to go. 

Hm. What else? Oh. Bella broke her arm and was in a cast for 3 weeks but is all better now. I'm glad that damn cast is off, it hurt like hell when she hit you. 

And of course, Riki and I went to Rome. It was really amazing, for the most part. Our couchsurfing host was awesome, the gelato was to die for and the city was beautiful. I went to the Vatican, which was beyond impressive, the Spanish Steps, Trevi Fountain, the Pantheon, the Colosseum and Palatine Hill. I cannot wait to go back again, I hope I get the opportunity one day! 

Other than that, not much is new. It's just Riki and I nowadays. Sue-Rika's gone back to South Africa and I miss the girls so much! I hope we see each other again someday. And I've been rather homesick. Most likely due to the fact that I haven't had internet access until a few days ago and not being able to talk to my family and friends back home really got to me. Hopefully that passes. 

I will not give up. 

I will not give up.

I will not give up.

I will not give up.

I will not give up.

Italy! OMG!

Today is my 4 month anniversary in the Netherlands. Only 8 more to go, that's incredible. Time flies when you're having fun, I suppose. Riki and I booked our tickets to Rome the other day. I am so excited, I've wanted to go to Italy for as long as I can remember. So we're going February 17-22 and I found us a couch to sleep on =) And the plane tickets were fairly decent, 90 euros for a return flight from Eindhoven. 

I can't friggin wait. 

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And I wonder

When I sing along with you

If everything could ever feel this real forever

If anything could ever be this good again

A New Year

I was fortunate enough to go home for Christmas vacation. December 23-30 and it wasn't nearly long enough. Not to mention that 20+ hours were spent on a plane or in an airport. But it was really awesome to be able to see my friends and family once again. Although I came home to discover that my father is now living with my grandmother, which means that him and my stepmother are separated. Yeah, Merry Fucking Christmas to me! Needless to say, the house felt.. ripped apart. It didn't help that they are in the midst of renovations so it was, literally, ripped apart, and Brandy was nowhere to be found. RIP Baby! 

Christmas dinner was spent at my grandmother's, who went away to my cousins in Toronto, with just my father and my sister. It was bittersweet. It felt extremely weird having dinner with just the two of them, knowing that my brother and stepmother were back at home, having dinner alone as well. But it was kind of nice, because it was the first time it's ever been just the 3 of us. 

Le Skratch was actually open on Christmas day, which meant Dolla Dolla Beers Ya'll! =) Thursdays back home are quite possibly my favourite day ever! Except this particular Thursday didn't go as planned. I got pretty smashed, along with all of my friends, and my brother even came which was sweet because he turned 19 after I moved away. Anyway, saw lots of people I haven't seen in months and after the bar closed, ended up in the middle of several fights trying to calm everyone down. Eventually the police got involved and I almost got arrested for assaulting my best friend. Haha, I was pushing him yes, but I was pushing him away from all the commotion so that he wouldn't get in trouble. The police officer told me to leave or get arrested. Hm, tough decision. If I didn't have obligations here in Europe, I totally would have gotten arrested. Anyway, my best friend spent Christmas night in jail and is now being charged with assault on a police officer. Fuckin' aye! 

Now, since being back in Holland, life just hasn't been the same. I arrived here New Years Eve morning and I haven't left the house since. Sure, I had lots of plans to go out but I was either a) too depressed to go out or b) my friends bailed on me. I sit here now awaiting my friends phone call or online message so I can hopefully go meet her and a new au pair for coffee or beer or something just to get me out of this place. I'm going crazy.