A whole new world

I'm on my 3rd week now in the Netherlands and so far, so good! I have three amazing girlfriends now (Elize, Lindy and Riki, all from South Africa), I've seen Amsterdam and some neighbouring towns around here that are absolutely breathtaking, we've gone on bike rides, we've been to the coffeeshops, we've gotten shitfaced in the pubs, we've hung out with Norwegians I met online, we've been to the Sex Museum.. It's been glorious! 

I really should update this on a regular basis, that's my new goal. 

I was ready for this

I just didn't realize it. 

I've been in the Netherlands for 5 days now, after the most horrible plane ride I've ever experienced. I'm afraid I may never go back to Canada, for fear of getting back on that horrible thing again. I still haven't felt homesick, which may have to do with the fact that I've used Skype to communicate with some of my family, and it's nice to be able to see them, when we're so far apart. 

I knew Europe would be different, I just didn't realize how different. It feels like I've landed on Mars, or something like that. Everything is old. Especially in the little town that I live in, 's-Graveland. It's about 30 minutes from Amsterdam, and the house that I live in was built in the 1800's, and used to be a school house. I have a feeling there are some spirits here, and for some reason, unknown to me, I'm not scared. But I should be, I always am when I feel spirits. It's .. strange, and different. But I'm glad. 

The kids are really great, Luna and Bella. They're pretty cute, except Bella always has a snotty nose and it grosses me out. Haha. Marielle, the mother, is extremely nice herself, and very easy to talk to. I truly hope this works out, I mean I've only been here for a week and I'm not psychic.. but I hope it stays this good. 

And everyone rides bicycles around here. It's a little insane. I swear they must outnumber cars. So far I've only met two girls, the previous au pair, and then Luna had a play date with a friend who also has an au pair, she is from South Africa (and white! shocking.. haha! No, I'm not that ignorant) and it seems we have a lot in common, and hopefully can be friends. I might go out with her and some other au pair's tonight... I told her I would... We'll see. 

I haven't smoked a cigarette since Sunday, and I have not once felt a craving for one. Amazing! I'm so proud of myself. I don't think I will be able to be a complete Nun here, but at least I won't be smoking or doing drugs, although I may drink on occasion. 

And I'm still in love with that silly vampire. 

I'm not ready for this

Not at all.

And the one person who I care about more than anyone else, ditched out on 2 "going away parties" hosted by my parents. The one yesterday was a surprise and apparently they invited a bunch of my family and friends, and nobody showed up. I felt bad, because my mom cooked for so many people and there was nobody to eat it. But Heather did show up, and I hadn't talked to her in months because she didn't like a few of my choices, but she actually came with Juri, and I was so happy to see her. So that was nice!

Anyway, I'm extremely depressed right now. I have not felt this low in ... a long, long time. I don't want to leave today. But it's too late now. This plane ride is going to be brutal, this first week is going to be brutal, but hopefully it gets better. I'm going to be a fucking wreck. But people here, they really suck. I will be better off... If only I could see her one last time. But I just screwed that up... I'm so fucking bitter and depressed, ughh I hate my life.

6 hours until I leave everything behind.

Amsterdam, here I come

4 days until I leave the only city I've ever called home. 4 days until I leave everyone that I've ever loved. 4 days until I'm all alone in another country, another continent, with a whole entire ocean in between me and everything I've ever known. Thinking about it makes me want to projectile vomit all over the place.

I'm almost prepared. Packed most of my clothes today, still need to pack all of my shoes and boots, and figure out which winter coat will be best suited for over there. I'm not bringing much else, except for some photos, my sketchbook and pencils, books, my macbook, and my brand new Nikon. It's beautiful. Tomorrow is my going away dinner with my family at Boston Pizza. It's pretty sad that all I look forward to is getting smashed, hopefully for free! And of course seeing everyone. Thursday night I'm having dinner at Aaron's with his parents so they can see me before I take off, and then it's on to Le Skratch for one last dollar beer night!

As terrified as I am, I'm really looking forward to beginning a new chapter in my life. I hope to learn and grow, become a new person really. I hope old habits die fast, or I won't be able to survive. The plan is to be a nun for 6 months. No alcohol, no drugs, no sex. We'll see how long this lasts.

For some reason, I feel extremely distant from everyone. I feel like I'm pushing everyone away and it's really not the right time for this. Maybe I'm subconsciously preparing myself for this huge move, I really don't know, but it kind of sucks. Oh well. Moving on.

I'm in love with a fictional character and I'm afraid that I will never find anyone like him in life, and be miserable for the rest of eternity. Edward Cullen, you have my heart<3
(Go read Twilight, I read it in 7 hours with only one cigarette break. Impressive)