Time doesn't heal

"Desire was cruel. We should want only the things we can have, I thought; otherwise, longing becomes pain and pain turns us into creatures of dissatisfaction, sitting with arthritic curled fingers, scowling at the horizon, furious at the sun for rising and bringing us another day of disappointment."

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"Time doesn't heal scars, as most people commonly think," I said. "It simply makes them firmer, stiffer. One must accept it and not hope to mend and return to what he or she once was."

I now have $2101 in my bank account, thank God. Must give that to my mother asap as I will spend it on useless shit (ie: drugs & alcohol). I really want to go clothes shopping but I should wait until I'm in Europe, they probably have really neat clothes over there :) 

Netherlands

Well, Sunday was my interview for the Au Pair job. Spent over an hour talking with Marilyn in a suite at the Sheraton in Toronto about the company and the various options that I had. I had my heart set on Ireland but she convinced me to go with Holland because: 

1) It's easier to get a work visa

2) I'll make more $$$ 

3) The family reimburses me for my plane ticket

4) Not as secluded as Ireland

5) And I'll be working a maximum of 30 hours per week

Although I did have my heart set on Ireland I'm still really happy and excited that I'm going to Holland because I have some Dutch in me, and I'll hopefully be living in Amsterdam, and that's pretty fucking sweet if you ask me. 

Yesterday was extremely productive. I went to my appointment at the sex clinic in the mall and got 2 free months worth of birth control, and I have another appointment at the end of August to get more since it's only $5/month, way better than paying $20/month at the drug store. Then I went to Telus, to figure out what the fuck to do with my phone since it obviously won't work in Holland and I'm going to change the plan before I go and leave it with my aunt. Went to the Flight Centre and she told me that a one-way ticket from Toronto to Amsterdam would be $450 including taxes, awesome. Then stopped by the police station and filled out the form to get a criminal record check, which costs $30. Then went to the bank and withdrew all of the money from my RSP which was just over $2000, and I never have to pay it back which is awesome although the government will tax it when it goes into my account. Oh well, I really need it. So that money should be in my account on Thursday hopefully, and I need to pay my mom back $450 for the administration fee that I paid on Sunday, pay off my visa which is around $400 and eventually buy a plane ticket (my mom talked to her travel agent and she said $380), a new digital camera (ideas anyone?) and luggage. I also need to collect all of the money that people owe me (never again am I lending people money) and work my fucking ass off to make more cash. 

Round here, she's always on my mind

Another eventful Thursday night at Le Skratch. Ohhh goodness, fun times per usual. I made a new friend who is ridiculously awesome and her name is Marianne and she's very.. hippy-ish, and down to earth. A free spirit. I hope we become better friends, or something. Thank you Ryan for introducing us :) 

I always seem to make out with randoms, or friends even sometimes, when I get drunk at the bar and last night was no exception. He is super cute, and his name is Mackenzie. Now normally, I just make out with them, don't ask for their number or anything like that and then just peace out. But he was really nice and I dunno.. it would be nice if we could hang out or something. 

And as for Ireland. I think that I'm the only one that's going now. Erin says it seems "sketchy" but it's not because I've been talking to these people for weeks now, and she hasn't. They're with the Better Business Bureau, and no these people aren't going to lock you in their house and take away your passport. And Meredith has her kitty and doesn't know if she can leave her behind, and it doesn't help that she recently started dating my ex boyfriend and probably doesn't want to leave him either. And yes, that's slightly awkward seeing them together and although I don't want him at all, it makes me feel.. weird? Alot of people think that she's a shitty fucking friend for doing that even though I gave her permission but I say 'Bros before Hoes'! The interview for doing the Au Pair program is on Sunday and I'm so not prepared at all but I will be when I get there, minus having the health forms and criminal record check done but they said I could always fax them that when I get it. Perfect! :) 

You actin like you don't know

...Where to begin?

Well, I'm currently working at a call centre, which is total fucking bullshit and I feel like I'm going absolutely nowhere in life.. especially with a fucking college diploma. But oh well. I have a "new" best friend, although Scott is still my best friend, he thinks I'm replacing him.. and it's killing me. Anyway, her name is Meredith and we worked together at A-Side, and are now working at the call centre together. That girl is so dangerous... ahah. All we do is get fucked up. Dollar beers every Thursday night at Le Skratch is our "thing" and we always have a blast, dancing our asses off. But the black dudes like her, and I always have to push them around. Yeah, ME, push around a black dude.. that's funny. But I would do anything for her, and no I'm not racist they just like to creep on her. But anyway, her and I have a lot of fun and I love her fucking life. But last night, she slept with an ex boyfriend of mine, two days after I did.. and I dunno. I didn't think I would care, but I guess I am a little jealous. I told her she could though, so the only person I can blame it on is myself. She feels bad though, but whatever.. Bros before hoes. She means more to me than him, obviously, and I'm not going to let something like that come between us. So that was last night...

And Sharley. Where do I even begin? I love her so much and I wish I could be with her, but I can't. I am too wild and out of control, drinking all the time and hooking up with ... too many people. I would break her fucking heart, even though I probably already did. And almost everyone knows about us, and that stuff happened between us, and she feels like a tool and I feel like the biggest bitch ever. Ugh. I really do suck at life.

I need to get away from here. Meredith, Erin and myself might move to Ireland to become Au Pairs. I hope it works out. I'm not trying to run from my problems, but I'm not going anywhere here and just getting fucked up all the time. It's pathetic. I suck.