Need Mexico so bad right now, you don't even know. $$$ come my way so I can go on vacay!
I realize that everything happens for a reason, but sometimes I can't help but stop and wonder, Why did that have to happen?
Honestly, the only thing I would change is the fact that I really don't have that mother figure in my life. Sure, I do have a mother, but she has never been there for me. I know that I can't change anything and that we will never have that mother-daughter relationship that I so need, but sometimes I just wish things would have been different. I'm really fortunate to have a wonderful father though, who really is my best friend.
Now, let me explain my situation with my mother. She left when I was a baby, I'm sure she had her own problems to deal with and wasn't ready to be a parent. I know she had a pretty horrible upbringing, and I really don't blame her. But then she came back to my dad, and they had my sister, and she left again. My dad raised my sister and I, with the help of his parents and my aunts. My dad, sister and I never lived on our own and that's another thing I wish I could have changed. But my dad was young and alone, with two little girls and a broken leg, and he felt that he had no other choice but to continue living with his parents and letting them raise us. Now eventually I started to see my mom again, and I even lived with her for a few years. But her and I do not see eye to eye, whatsoever. Most of the time, I feel like she hates me. In my whole 21 years of existance, my mother and I have never had a conversation. Find that hard to believe? Well believe it. "Hello, how are you? What's new?" that is the extent of our conversations. We've never even had the sex talk! And we were both molested when we were younger. I am able to talk about that, but she won't talk about it at all. But it's like, I'm your daughter, don't you want to relate to me and ask me what happened etc? She doesn't know the story and I just think, if I had a daughter, I would want her to confide in me about those things. Like.. that's pretty huge.
And I feel like my mom has never really been supportive of me. When I was in my teenager years, I was pretty crazy. My parents had to watch me struggle with depression and suicide attempts, and I know it must have been pretty scary for them, I can't even imagine. Of course, I didn't realize this at the time, but I do now. But all through that shit I went through, do you think she ever sat down with me to talk about my feelings or problems? Or even to just offer a shoulder to cry on? My mom rarely hugs me, and definitely doesn't talk about feelings of any sort while I am the total opposite. Not trying to sound conceited here, but in my opinion, I'm probably the most open person that I know of and it's so weird because my parents are both closed books. My dad especially, he doesn't even like talking about things if he thinks they're wrong or whatever. I just.. love being open to endless possibilities.
I don't really know what the point of this post is really. I guess I just wish I had a better relationship with my mom but I need to come to terms with the fact that it will never happen and be okay with that. It's not my fault, it's not my problem, and I need to live with that. Another thing that bothers me is that I have a really awesome stepmom, and lately I feel like she hates me too. She hardly talks to me and I don't know what I did wrong. It bothers me that my stepbrother, whom I consider blood and we're super tight, gets away with everything and seems to never get in trouble. I just want to be treated equal. For instance, she gave him her car. It's a nice little 2003 Dodge Neon. My dad offered to help me buy a motorcycle, and right in front of me she pretty much told him no but that they could help me get a loan and I could pay for it on my own. That makes sense right? Give your son a car, but make me buy my own motorcycle? I don't have a problem paying for my own things, but that's just not fair. And I really love her and she's really easy to talk to, and it's just, sometimes she does these little things and it's like.. do you really hate me that much? It's just hard.
Anyway, the moral to my story is to learn from your mistakes, or your parents mistakes, and make sure to do things differently!
3 comments:
wow, thats some deep shit you've gone through...I wanted to ask, forgive me if i'm being too nosy but have you been upfront with your mom and said flat out mom I want a relationship with you i want to talk to you..maybe your mom doesnt know how...that sometimes happens and unfortunately it sometimes it takes the kid to open the lines of communication its messed up i know
haha nobody could ever be too nosy with me, i'll open up about almost anything. and no, i really don't think i've ever told her how i feel because i know it would just cause problems. she is not understanding at all and it would turn into a fight before i could blink. she is selfish, and only thinks of herself and how things affect her.
for instance, when my sister wasn't living with her, she would invite my sister and her boyfriend over once a week for dinner. when i lived there, it was always a problem for my boyfriend to eat dinner there.
now that i don't live with her, my sister does. and AT LEAST once a week, my sister's girl friend from hockey and my sister's boyfriend come over for "family dinner".
have i ever been invited...?
i'm past the point of caring i think. i mean, some days i do care.. but most of the time i don't and i'm just tired of trying.
totally understand..learned along time ago you can't make people care about you..for me it was my "sperm doner" father..you accept it..don't understand it ..but accept it..
Post a Comment