You can't escape the drama

I really need to learn how to keep my mouth shut. I guess because I am so open, I just say everything and it gets me into trouble alot. Especially when I am talking about myself and another person, who does not want our business discussed. I'm fucking stupid. I never have regrets, ever, but this is one thing I definately regret doing. I hope I never have to hear about this again, and I hope no one ever finds out anything about anything. I feel like I almost ruined everything... and even still, everything could be ruined. I hate making mistakes, especially huge mistakes like this. Stupid me.

Job interviews have been going good and I got called back to two places, so hopefully Monday or Tuesday goes well. I could really use a job right about now, I am so bored most of the time and I need the money. And I want to go on vacation so bad and well, you need money for that.

I really wish people were more open. It hurts to hear that my father would disown me if I ever brought home a woman. Though he says that, he might get over it if it were to ever happen.. but the fact that he said that still really hurt. And it made me realize what people have to go through everyday. That's tough.

But I won't back down

Life sure does throw some crazy curve balls sometimes. It's like, where the hell did that come from? Or, more appropriately, where the hell did you come from? Just when I thought I had everything figured out too, now I need to take a step back. But I'm not complaining at all. For most of my teenage years I always knew that I was attracted to women, and let's face it, the female body is a million times nicer than the male body, hands down. But I never thought that I would ever have feelings for a woman. And I am still unsure of what these feelings are exactly, but I do feel a connection to her, deeper than any other connection I have ever had I think. It's strange.. I've never felt a connection with a woman, only men. And even the connections with men were unlike this. I feel like we were meant to cross each other's paths, which is obvious because everything happens for a reason... but I think this reason is... more significant? I don't really know. All I know is that I have feelings for a beautiful young woman, even if I can't comprehend them. We haven't really talked about it, but for some reason I think we are both feeling the same things. It's almost like we understand what is going on, without actually saying it. Now of course these are just my opinions and I could be very wrong but I guess we'll find out. It's like.. a new world. It's just so crazy that I find myself laughing on occasion, like who ever thought I would meet a girl and like her? She has a boyfriend though, and part of me thinks that she wouldn't ever want to have a relationship with a woman... but a part of me thinks that she is a little intrigued by it. If this were to develop into something more, I wouldn't even know where to begin. I've never kissed a girl except for a few times when I was drunk or playing spin the bottle... but that doesn't count. I just feel like we could have a lot of fun together and learn from one another... no matter what happens. But for now, I will enjoy and cherish our conversations and have fun and get to know her better, and if we can only be friends then so be it. Like I said... everything happens for a reason.

I can't stop thinking about her. I'm such a loser.

Hey Lush, Have Fun

For the first time in my life, I think I have feelings for a woman. I guess that's what you get from hanging around two lesbians all the time. Haha, just kidding because obviously noone chooses which gender they like. It's just kind of funny. I don't know if I like her more than a friend though and I haven't known her very long at all... but I do feel like I have feelings for her. What exactly those feeling are, I could not tell you. But they're there. She's just an amazing young lady, gorgeous, with brains too. She really interests me and I want to get to know more about her. Most of the time, I can't get her out of my head, even when I'm with this boy who I guess you could call my "friend with benefits". Never thought I would have one of those in my life because I'm more of a relationship type of girl and this is the first time I've ever done something like this.

Now. Here's the confusing part. I don't want a relationship right now and I don't know whether I have feelings for my FWB. He's very attractive and lots of fun and good to talk to...also, good to fuck. But ... I don't know if all I want to be to him is a romp in the sack once in awhile, but I also don't want to be his girlfriend. Strange. I guess for now I'll just continue to do what I'm doin and have fun, because I am having fun and that's what counts.

But she... she is just amazing and beautiful and I really hope we can become good friends, if not more. But! I also don't know if I could ever be with a woman because that is so foreign to me and I'd probably be so shy and awkward around her. K.. done rambling.
I definitely have more feelings for the woman though, and I guess that's because whenever I'm with a man I feel like all I'm there for is the sex. I highly doubt it would be that way with a woman, it would be a deeper, more meaningful, spiritual connection.

I'm in Toronto and he went off to work and I decided to stay an extra night so I have the whole apartment and day to myself. What should I do?

Also, still no job. PRAY HARDER!

No guts, No glory

Need Mexico so bad right now, you don't even know. $$$ come my way so I can go on vacay!

I realize that everything happens for a reason, but sometimes I can't help but stop and wonder, Why did that have to happen?

Honestly, the only thing I would change is the fact that I really don't have that mother figure in my life. Sure, I do have a mother, but she has never been there for me. I know that I can't change anything and that we will never have that mother-daughter relationship that I so need, but sometimes I just wish things would have been different. I'm really fortunate to have a wonderful father though, who really is my best friend.
Now, let me explain my situation with my mother. She left when I was a baby, I'm sure she had her own problems to deal with and wasn't ready to be a parent. I know she had a pretty horrible upbringing, and I really don't blame her. But then she came back to my dad, and they had my sister, and she left again. My dad raised my sister and I, with the help of his parents and my aunts. My dad, sister and I never lived on our own and that's another thing I wish I could have changed. But my dad was young and alone, with two little girls and a broken leg, and he felt that he had no other choice but to continue living with his parents and letting them raise us. Now eventually I started to see my mom again, and I even lived with her for a few years. But her and I do not see eye to eye, whatsoever. Most of the time, I feel like she hates me. In my whole 21 years of existance, my mother and I have never had a conversation. Find that hard to believe? Well believe it. "Hello, how are you? What's new?" that is the extent of our conversations. We've never even had the sex talk! And we were both molested when we were younger. I am able to talk about that, but she won't talk about it at all. But it's like, I'm your daughter, don't you want to relate to me and ask me what happened etc? She doesn't know the story and I just think, if I had a daughter, I would want her to confide in me about those things. Like.. that's pretty huge.

And I feel like my mom has never really been supportive of me. When I was in my teenager years, I was pretty crazy. My parents had to watch me struggle with depression and suicide attempts, and I know it must have been pretty scary for them, I can't even imagine. Of course, I didn't realize this at the time, but I do now. But all through that shit I went through, do you think she ever sat down with me to talk about my feelings or problems? Or even to just offer a shoulder to cry on? My mom rarely hugs me, and definitely doesn't talk about feelings of any sort while I am the total opposite. Not trying to sound conceited here, but in my opinion, I'm probably the most open person that I know of and it's so weird because my parents are both closed books. My dad especially, he doesn't even like talking about things if he thinks they're wrong or whatever. I just.. love being open to endless possibilities.

I don't really know what the point of this post is really. I guess I just wish I had a better relationship with my mom but I need to come to terms with the fact that it will never happen and be okay with that. It's not my fault, it's not my problem, and I need to live with that. Another thing that bothers me is that I have a really awesome stepmom, and lately I feel like she hates me too. She hardly talks to me and I don't know what I did wrong. It bothers me that my stepbrother, whom I consider blood and we're super tight, gets away with everything and seems to never get in trouble. I just want to be treated equal. For instance, she gave him her car. It's a nice little 2003 Dodge Neon. My dad offered to help me buy a motorcycle, and right in front of me she pretty much told him no but that they could help me get a loan and I could pay for it on my own. That makes sense right? Give your son a car, but make me buy my own motorcycle? I don't have a problem paying for my own things, but that's just not fair. And I really love her and she's really easy to talk to, and it's just, sometimes she does these little things and it's like.. do you really hate me that much? It's just hard.

Anyway, the moral to my story is to learn from your mistakes, or your parents mistakes, and make sure to do things differently!

Dear 2008, I hate you!

I can't believe it's April already. Time flies. There's still snow on the ground but the weather is definitely getting nicer by the day.

I'm hoping this summer will be amazing, because so far, 2008 has been the worst year ever! First I get a bartholin cyst and had to have emergency surgery. Never had surgery before in my life, so it was very scary. Was sick for days because of all the medication that they put me on and it was such a pain in the ass. Then I fuck up my internship for school and totally blow my chances of getting hired there! My boyfriend cheated on me and broke up with me, and didn't feel sorry at all. That really hurt. I quit my job and for the first time since 2003, I'm unemployed. It's been a few months now and I can't stand doing nothing all day, so I really need to find something quick. My mom got laid off, for the first time in her life, and my dad got laid off as well. My mom found a new job and starts Monday, but my dad hasn't and won't find another job, so I'm praying that American Axil in the States will end their strike so my dad can go back to work! He hurt his back when I was really young and since then has been on comp or light duties. So nobody else will hire him. So this is pretty scary because if the strike doesn't end, he won't go back to work, which means he will most likely be unemployed for the rest of his life and we can't afford that. And I don't know if the strike will ever end because they want to cut the employee's wages in half, from $28 to $14.50 and that's just not going to cut it. Nobody can raise a family on that little money.
I applied at The Beer Store, 4 of them here in the city, and hopefully one of them calls me back. If you are reading this, say a little prayer for me? I desperately need a job.

And I've been sick for about 2 weeks now. First it was just a sore throat, and I was sick to my stomach. Seemed to go away for a little while and it's hit me again full force, except this time there's no stomach flu, just a seriously sore throat. I went to urgent care this morning and had to wait 75 minutes. Bullshit, but it happens. Now I have to take penicillan 4 times a day for 10 days. I should have gone to the doctor's sooner but I'm stupid and just thought it would go away on it's own. Obviously not, and now I'm really paying for it. My ears fucking kill, my whole body aches and it hurts like no other to swallow. Please, go away soon so I can go visit my "special friend" in Toronto because I really miss his awesomeness! Oh, and I had to pay for the medication because my mom took me off her health insurance and my dad's insurance thinks I'm under someone else's insurance. Tomorrow I'm going up to the school to see if they can give me a paper saying I'm enrolled and hopefully get on my stepmom's insurance. I need to be on someone's because it ends for good in September I believe because I'm over the age limit and won't be in school, and I need to get my wisdom teeth taken out before that happens because I can't afford that shit.

But seriously.. this year has just been one bad thing after another.
At least I'm keepin it positive!