Bon Voyage, Lindy

Yesterday marked my 3 month anniversary in the Netherlands. Yesterday also marked the day my best friend went back home to South Africa. For good. I really hope I get to see her again. I want to visit her after this year's up, and it'll be nice because I can visit two of my other good friends there as well. Have a nice little reunion. They also want to come to Canada, so let's keep our fingers crossed. 

No matter what, I'll never forget you.

Here we go

Where to begin? Humm.. Well I splurged on a plane ticket and flew to Copenhagen, Denmark last weekend to meet a fellow couchsurfer. Good times, good times. I even took the train, by myself, from the airport to Nykobing Falster, where he lives. I'm getting damn good at this whole travelling alone thing. I'm quite proud of myself, to be honest. 

This past week though, I've been feeling quite homesick. Probably because the holidays are fast approaching, and this will be my first Christmas away from my family, my country, everything. I'll survive, but still, it's a bit depressing. Also doesn't help that I'm not really getting along with everyone lately. Probably because of my bad attitude, I'm not too sure. They're just all getting on my nerves, and I blame it on the fact that I'm not used to having so many girlfriends. I miss my boys back home! I get along so much better with boys. Oh well.. what can you do?

Anyway, this weekend Fabian (the couchsurfer we stayed with in Hamburg, Germany) and his friend Evelyn are coming to party. I'm hoping it will be a good time but with my moods lately.. who the fuck knows? Blah. 

Oh. And to make my life just that much more complicated, I've developed a huge crush on a boy who lives thousands of miles away from me, whom I'll probably never have a chance with. Sweeet. And to make matters worse, he gives me butterflies. I haven't felt butterflies in a looong ass time, oh dear. Heart, get ready to ache. 

RIP Baby

So I finally called my Daddy last night because I hadn't talked to him in awhile, due to him being on this weird new shift, and the 6 hour time difference. He tells me "we lost the dog!" What do you mean you lost the dog? Those dogs are too damn smart to just "get lost". No, she died. My fucking baby died and I didn't even get to say goodbye. The worst part is that she died the day after my birthday, October 4. They didn't want to tell me, they weren't going to tell me, they didn't want to "upset me". So what, were you just going to wait until I came back to Canada A YEAR FROM NOW and when I went looking for her, "ohh yeah.. she died!" 

WHAT THE FUCK PEOPLE!?!!?

I don't understand how this happened. She was 12, Pal is only 6 or something and she would ALWAYS outrun him. Although, he does weigh a hell of a lot more than her but still. She was so healthy, so full of life. At least she died happy, peacefully, in the comfort of her own home. She just went to sleep, and never woke up. I guess that's good! I mean.. isn't that how we all want this to end?

I'm really not impressed with them not telling me when it first happened. Everyone knew, and nobody said anything. I broke down last night after he told me, obviously. And I went to bed early because I've been sick, and I just didn't want to deal with my thoughts, so sleep was the best medicine. I would wake up though, and my mind would be elsewhere.. but then she would drift back into my thoughts and I would remember that she was gone. The only thing that's comforting is the fact that I will see her again. 

RIP Brandy baby! I love you, and we're all going to miss you. 

She was the best dog EVER! 

In other news; Yes, I'm incredibly sick. It better fucking go away because I am going to Denmark on the 20th! To see a boy that I met on Couchsurfing whom I sort of have a crush on. It should be fun times! We talk alot and he's really nice :) 

I cannot wait. And he says that if it goes well, he will come here for New Years. Sweet! 

Anddd! Fabian (the Couchsurfer Lindy and I stayed with in Hamburg, Germany) is coming to visit on the 28th with Evelyn! I cannot wait for this either, they are so awesome and we're going to have such an awesome time! 

Life is so strange.

I really need to keep up with this thing more often. 

Anyway, things are still good. Ventured to Germany October 23-26 with my friend Lindy just for a mini vacation. Spent some time in Buxtehude (my favourite), Stade, Jork and Hamburg. Not a huge fan of Germany though, or the people. The train broke down on the way home, so we got stuck in Munster for a couple hours and then had to take a bus back to Holland. Didn't get to Amsterdam until 2:30am, when we should have been home and in bed by midnight. Of course, the trains were no longer running to our little town so we had to sleep in this woman's flat, who we had met on the bus. Interesting. 

Since being here, I've slept in so many random places. A couple places around here, after a night of heavy drinking. A sweet family in Jork, and a couchsurfer in Hamburg, and another couchsurfer in Gent, and that woman in Amsterdam.. Life is much, much different here. I feel like a totally new person. 

Last night I went to Amsterdam to meet up with one of my second cousin's who I don't even remember meeting, although I have when I was quite young. He lived here for 6 years and came back to visit some friends and his girlfriends family in Spain, so I decided to go out drinking with them. Hell, why not? It was quite fun I must say, and even though they are almost the same age as my parents, we partied fucking hard and really got to know one another, and it was an awesome experience. 

Gent

I just got back from Gent, Belgium. What a beautiful city that is and I recommend going there, if you ever get the chance. Very medieval, very romantic. 

You know, I really thought coming here I would get away from all forms of temptations. That isn't the case. I am doing a lot better though and staying away from the one thing that would have sucked me in and ruined my life. That is a good thing. 

A whole new world

I'm on my 3rd week now in the Netherlands and so far, so good! I have three amazing girlfriends now (Elize, Lindy and Riki, all from South Africa), I've seen Amsterdam and some neighbouring towns around here that are absolutely breathtaking, we've gone on bike rides, we've been to the coffeeshops, we've gotten shitfaced in the pubs, we've hung out with Norwegians I met online, we've been to the Sex Museum.. It's been glorious! 

I really should update this on a regular basis, that's my new goal. 

I was ready for this

I just didn't realize it. 

I've been in the Netherlands for 5 days now, after the most horrible plane ride I've ever experienced. I'm afraid I may never go back to Canada, for fear of getting back on that horrible thing again. I still haven't felt homesick, which may have to do with the fact that I've used Skype to communicate with some of my family, and it's nice to be able to see them, when we're so far apart. 

I knew Europe would be different, I just didn't realize how different. It feels like I've landed on Mars, or something like that. Everything is old. Especially in the little town that I live in, 's-Graveland. It's about 30 minutes from Amsterdam, and the house that I live in was built in the 1800's, and used to be a school house. I have a feeling there are some spirits here, and for some reason, unknown to me, I'm not scared. But I should be, I always am when I feel spirits. It's .. strange, and different. But I'm glad. 

The kids are really great, Luna and Bella. They're pretty cute, except Bella always has a snotty nose and it grosses me out. Haha. Marielle, the mother, is extremely nice herself, and very easy to talk to. I truly hope this works out, I mean I've only been here for a week and I'm not psychic.. but I hope it stays this good. 

And everyone rides bicycles around here. It's a little insane. I swear they must outnumber cars. So far I've only met two girls, the previous au pair, and then Luna had a play date with a friend who also has an au pair, she is from South Africa (and white! shocking.. haha! No, I'm not that ignorant) and it seems we have a lot in common, and hopefully can be friends. I might go out with her and some other au pair's tonight... I told her I would... We'll see. 

I haven't smoked a cigarette since Sunday, and I have not once felt a craving for one. Amazing! I'm so proud of myself. I don't think I will be able to be a complete Nun here, but at least I won't be smoking or doing drugs, although I may drink on occasion. 

And I'm still in love with that silly vampire. 

I'm not ready for this

Not at all.

And the one person who I care about more than anyone else, ditched out on 2 "going away parties" hosted by my parents. The one yesterday was a surprise and apparently they invited a bunch of my family and friends, and nobody showed up. I felt bad, because my mom cooked for so many people and there was nobody to eat it. But Heather did show up, and I hadn't talked to her in months because she didn't like a few of my choices, but she actually came with Juri, and I was so happy to see her. So that was nice!

Anyway, I'm extremely depressed right now. I have not felt this low in ... a long, long time. I don't want to leave today. But it's too late now. This plane ride is going to be brutal, this first week is going to be brutal, but hopefully it gets better. I'm going to be a fucking wreck. But people here, they really suck. I will be better off... If only I could see her one last time. But I just screwed that up... I'm so fucking bitter and depressed, ughh I hate my life.

6 hours until I leave everything behind.

Amsterdam, here I come

4 days until I leave the only city I've ever called home. 4 days until I leave everyone that I've ever loved. 4 days until I'm all alone in another country, another continent, with a whole entire ocean in between me and everything I've ever known. Thinking about it makes me want to projectile vomit all over the place.

I'm almost prepared. Packed most of my clothes today, still need to pack all of my shoes and boots, and figure out which winter coat will be best suited for over there. I'm not bringing much else, except for some photos, my sketchbook and pencils, books, my macbook, and my brand new Nikon. It's beautiful. Tomorrow is my going away dinner with my family at Boston Pizza. It's pretty sad that all I look forward to is getting smashed, hopefully for free! And of course seeing everyone. Thursday night I'm having dinner at Aaron's with his parents so they can see me before I take off, and then it's on to Le Skratch for one last dollar beer night!

As terrified as I am, I'm really looking forward to beginning a new chapter in my life. I hope to learn and grow, become a new person really. I hope old habits die fast, or I won't be able to survive. The plan is to be a nun for 6 months. No alcohol, no drugs, no sex. We'll see how long this lasts.

For some reason, I feel extremely distant from everyone. I feel like I'm pushing everyone away and it's really not the right time for this. Maybe I'm subconsciously preparing myself for this huge move, I really don't know, but it kind of sucks. Oh well. Moving on.

I'm in love with a fictional character and I'm afraid that I will never find anyone like him in life, and be miserable for the rest of eternity. Edward Cullen, you have my heart<3
(Go read Twilight, I read it in 7 hours with only one cigarette break. Impressive)

It's Official

I fly out of Toronto via Air Transat on September 14 at 11:00pm. Arrive in Amsterdam at 12:20pm on September 15.

I'll be taking care of two gorgeous little girls. Luna is 5 and Belle is almost 2. And this is where I will be living.


Excited, but more scared I think.

The Way I Are

"You are the most dangerous kind of female the world can ever know. A great many will love you for your beautiful face, for your seductive body; but you will fail them all, because they all fail you first. You are an idealist of the most devastatingly tragic kind - the romantic idealist. Born to destroy and to self-destruct."

It's getting closer to that time but I'm still not prepared for this at all, and I wonder how different my life will be. Somedays, I hope the time never comes. Other days, I wish it was tomorrow. 

And I never realized how addicting drugs could be. This is not good.. not good at all. I really love being single but sometimes I just wish I had that significant other. Someone to lean on when times are rough, and just someone to cuddle with who tells you that everything is going to be okay. One day. 

Time doesn't heal

"Desire was cruel. We should want only the things we can have, I thought; otherwise, longing becomes pain and pain turns us into creatures of dissatisfaction, sitting with arthritic curled fingers, scowling at the horizon, furious at the sun for rising and bringing us another day of disappointment."

--------------------

"Time doesn't heal scars, as most people commonly think," I said. "It simply makes them firmer, stiffer. One must accept it and not hope to mend and return to what he or she once was."

I now have $2101 in my bank account, thank God. Must give that to my mother asap as I will spend it on useless shit (ie: drugs & alcohol). I really want to go clothes shopping but I should wait until I'm in Europe, they probably have really neat clothes over there :) 

Netherlands

Well, Sunday was my interview for the Au Pair job. Spent over an hour talking with Marilyn in a suite at the Sheraton in Toronto about the company and the various options that I had. I had my heart set on Ireland but she convinced me to go with Holland because: 

1) It's easier to get a work visa

2) I'll make more $$$ 

3) The family reimburses me for my plane ticket

4) Not as secluded as Ireland

5) And I'll be working a maximum of 30 hours per week

Although I did have my heart set on Ireland I'm still really happy and excited that I'm going to Holland because I have some Dutch in me, and I'll hopefully be living in Amsterdam, and that's pretty fucking sweet if you ask me. 

Yesterday was extremely productive. I went to my appointment at the sex clinic in the mall and got 2 free months worth of birth control, and I have another appointment at the end of August to get more since it's only $5/month, way better than paying $20/month at the drug store. Then I went to Telus, to figure out what the fuck to do with my phone since it obviously won't work in Holland and I'm going to change the plan before I go and leave it with my aunt. Went to the Flight Centre and she told me that a one-way ticket from Toronto to Amsterdam would be $450 including taxes, awesome. Then stopped by the police station and filled out the form to get a criminal record check, which costs $30. Then went to the bank and withdrew all of the money from my RSP which was just over $2000, and I never have to pay it back which is awesome although the government will tax it when it goes into my account. Oh well, I really need it. So that money should be in my account on Thursday hopefully, and I need to pay my mom back $450 for the administration fee that I paid on Sunday, pay off my visa which is around $400 and eventually buy a plane ticket (my mom talked to her travel agent and she said $380), a new digital camera (ideas anyone?) and luggage. I also need to collect all of the money that people owe me (never again am I lending people money) and work my fucking ass off to make more cash. 

Round here, she's always on my mind

Another eventful Thursday night at Le Skratch. Ohhh goodness, fun times per usual. I made a new friend who is ridiculously awesome and her name is Marianne and she's very.. hippy-ish, and down to earth. A free spirit. I hope we become better friends, or something. Thank you Ryan for introducing us :) 

I always seem to make out with randoms, or friends even sometimes, when I get drunk at the bar and last night was no exception. He is super cute, and his name is Mackenzie. Now normally, I just make out with them, don't ask for their number or anything like that and then just peace out. But he was really nice and I dunno.. it would be nice if we could hang out or something. 

And as for Ireland. I think that I'm the only one that's going now. Erin says it seems "sketchy" but it's not because I've been talking to these people for weeks now, and she hasn't. They're with the Better Business Bureau, and no these people aren't going to lock you in their house and take away your passport. And Meredith has her kitty and doesn't know if she can leave her behind, and it doesn't help that she recently started dating my ex boyfriend and probably doesn't want to leave him either. And yes, that's slightly awkward seeing them together and although I don't want him at all, it makes me feel.. weird? Alot of people think that she's a shitty fucking friend for doing that even though I gave her permission but I say 'Bros before Hoes'! The interview for doing the Au Pair program is on Sunday and I'm so not prepared at all but I will be when I get there, minus having the health forms and criminal record check done but they said I could always fax them that when I get it. Perfect! :) 

You actin like you don't know

...Where to begin?

Well, I'm currently working at a call centre, which is total fucking bullshit and I feel like I'm going absolutely nowhere in life.. especially with a fucking college diploma. But oh well. I have a "new" best friend, although Scott is still my best friend, he thinks I'm replacing him.. and it's killing me. Anyway, her name is Meredith and we worked together at A-Side, and are now working at the call centre together. That girl is so dangerous... ahah. All we do is get fucked up. Dollar beers every Thursday night at Le Skratch is our "thing" and we always have a blast, dancing our asses off. But the black dudes like her, and I always have to push them around. Yeah, ME, push around a black dude.. that's funny. But I would do anything for her, and no I'm not racist they just like to creep on her. But anyway, her and I have a lot of fun and I love her fucking life. But last night, she slept with an ex boyfriend of mine, two days after I did.. and I dunno. I didn't think I would care, but I guess I am a little jealous. I told her she could though, so the only person I can blame it on is myself. She feels bad though, but whatever.. Bros before hoes. She means more to me than him, obviously, and I'm not going to let something like that come between us. So that was last night...

And Sharley. Where do I even begin? I love her so much and I wish I could be with her, but I can't. I am too wild and out of control, drinking all the time and hooking up with ... too many people. I would break her fucking heart, even though I probably already did. And almost everyone knows about us, and that stuff happened between us, and she feels like a tool and I feel like the biggest bitch ever. Ugh. I really do suck at life.

I need to get away from here. Meredith, Erin and myself might move to Ireland to become Au Pairs. I hope it works out. I'm not trying to run from my problems, but I'm not going anywhere here and just getting fucked up all the time. It's pathetic. I suck.

The Downward Spiral

I'm out of control. First a threesome, then a weekend away in another city which led to some serious drinking, cocaine and 6 hours of sleep combined. A threesome? That isn't so shocking, but drinking and cocaine? Now that's shocking. For someone who hates alcohol, I've been drunk so many nights in these past two weeks. And I told myself that I would never do cocaine but I just wanted to experiment. I hate breakups because I always go and self medicate, and I can't seem to pick myself back up this time, or maybe it's the fact that I just don't care anymore? Because I really don't.

Last night was the Tom Petty concert at the Air Canada Centre with Sharley and it was such a wonderful day! The ACC got smoked out, hahaha, I wonder how many people got fined for that. He didn't play 'Roll Another Joint' or 'Breakdown' and I was kind of disappointed.

If all goes well, I'll be going to the Cayman Islands in July. I just need to get away from here to clear my head, because that's just not possible here. Too many things to bring me down. I need to figure out what the fuck I'm doing with my life and move on from the breakup. Granted we weren't together long at all, but I have never felt a connection like that. It's unfortunate that he did not feel the same after awhile...

Unemployed

Wow, it's been awhile and a lot is new! My job at A-Side was going exceptionally well until today when I got fired by my boyfriend. That's right, I have a boyfriend. And yes, he fired me. Haha, obviously it wasn't his call but shit happens and I just wasn't doing good at the door-to-door thing. It was a sweet job though because we got to go on lots of road trips. We went to Belleville a few weeks ago, and me and 4 other people had to share 2 double beds but we had a fucking BLAST! It was one of the best weeks ever and we all bonded. Erin and Rose are wonderful ladies and I hope we can be friends for life! During that road trip was when I started talking to Kevin. Who is 4 years younger than me, he's 17. I was really iffy about that but the ladies kept telling me that age shouldn't matter, especially if you really like someone. And do I really want to go the rest of my life wondering "what if"?

We've been together since May 3, which is my lucky number! He is ridiculously awesome, and extremely good looking, and very mature for his age. The first night we hung out, we had the strangest experience. It was like our souls connected, very weird. We both described the feelings that we were having, and they were exactly the same. It was like you could feel the sparks flying.. it was like we had always known and loved each other, and we just found each other again. Yeah.. fucking weird. It was a very spiritual experience that I will never forgot, just because nothing like that has ever happened to me before. Not even close.

Anyway, he's been staying at my house with me and Grandma. Last week we were in London for work which was pretty fun! We stayed in a pretty scuzzy motel with Dexter and Rich, and I saw a hooker for the first time in my life. Yeah, we were in a bad neighbourhood. Haha. Rich and Dex found a black cat one night and it followed them back to the motel. It was so cute and chill, but the motel guy kicked it out the next day :( "No pets allowed... especially cats!" That was an inside joke all week long! Good times. The London office is really fucked up though, they all do some crazy drugs like Opium and Meth. WTF? Their team night is Fridays so we all went to the Roxbury! Rich and Kevin are both underage but Dusty let Kevin use his 25 year old ID (he so does not look 25 but it worked!) and the bouncer just let Rich in because Abel knew him and because he had already let Rachel in who didn't have ID either. So we all got in, we all got hammered, and it was fucking awesome! Kevin and I danced so much, it was so fun because I never dance! Hahaha. Then we all went back to Guy's girlfriends place where we continued to drink some more and smoke some weed. Everyone left around 3:30 and we crammed 12 people into the van. Haha. Camila came back with us, who is this gorgeous girl from Colombia. The guys all passed out when we got back to the motel and me and her stayed up until about 6am just talking and smoking. She's bisexual and really wanted to kiss me but we were sharing a bed with Kevin and I'm not down with cheating. But we talked a lot and I learned that she was on Ecstasy that night, and she used to inject heroin into her HEAD! Yeah, these people are all seriously fucked up but they were cool :) Kevin wanted to do coke so bad that night but I flipped out on him and gave him an ultimatum. He wasn't impressed but fuck that... he was addicted before and I'm not just going to let him do that shit.

Anyway, that's enough for now I guess. I'm sad that I no longer work there because I can honestly say that was the best job I have ever had. And I met some wonderful people! I'm sad that Erin, Rose and Rich are in Windsor this week on another road trip! I need my ladies. But right now, Sharley is coming over and I haven't seen her since April. Gahhh!

You can't escape the drama

I really need to learn how to keep my mouth shut. I guess because I am so open, I just say everything and it gets me into trouble alot. Especially when I am talking about myself and another person, who does not want our business discussed. I'm fucking stupid. I never have regrets, ever, but this is one thing I definately regret doing. I hope I never have to hear about this again, and I hope no one ever finds out anything about anything. I feel like I almost ruined everything... and even still, everything could be ruined. I hate making mistakes, especially huge mistakes like this. Stupid me.

Job interviews have been going good and I got called back to two places, so hopefully Monday or Tuesday goes well. I could really use a job right about now, I am so bored most of the time and I need the money. And I want to go on vacation so bad and well, you need money for that.

I really wish people were more open. It hurts to hear that my father would disown me if I ever brought home a woman. Though he says that, he might get over it if it were to ever happen.. but the fact that he said that still really hurt. And it made me realize what people have to go through everyday. That's tough.

But I won't back down

Life sure does throw some crazy curve balls sometimes. It's like, where the hell did that come from? Or, more appropriately, where the hell did you come from? Just when I thought I had everything figured out too, now I need to take a step back. But I'm not complaining at all. For most of my teenage years I always knew that I was attracted to women, and let's face it, the female body is a million times nicer than the male body, hands down. But I never thought that I would ever have feelings for a woman. And I am still unsure of what these feelings are exactly, but I do feel a connection to her, deeper than any other connection I have ever had I think. It's strange.. I've never felt a connection with a woman, only men. And even the connections with men were unlike this. I feel like we were meant to cross each other's paths, which is obvious because everything happens for a reason... but I think this reason is... more significant? I don't really know. All I know is that I have feelings for a beautiful young woman, even if I can't comprehend them. We haven't really talked about it, but for some reason I think we are both feeling the same things. It's almost like we understand what is going on, without actually saying it. Now of course these are just my opinions and I could be very wrong but I guess we'll find out. It's like.. a new world. It's just so crazy that I find myself laughing on occasion, like who ever thought I would meet a girl and like her? She has a boyfriend though, and part of me thinks that she wouldn't ever want to have a relationship with a woman... but a part of me thinks that she is a little intrigued by it. If this were to develop into something more, I wouldn't even know where to begin. I've never kissed a girl except for a few times when I was drunk or playing spin the bottle... but that doesn't count. I just feel like we could have a lot of fun together and learn from one another... no matter what happens. But for now, I will enjoy and cherish our conversations and have fun and get to know her better, and if we can only be friends then so be it. Like I said... everything happens for a reason.

I can't stop thinking about her. I'm such a loser.

Hey Lush, Have Fun

For the first time in my life, I think I have feelings for a woman. I guess that's what you get from hanging around two lesbians all the time. Haha, just kidding because obviously noone chooses which gender they like. It's just kind of funny. I don't know if I like her more than a friend though and I haven't known her very long at all... but I do feel like I have feelings for her. What exactly those feeling are, I could not tell you. But they're there. She's just an amazing young lady, gorgeous, with brains too. She really interests me and I want to get to know more about her. Most of the time, I can't get her out of my head, even when I'm with this boy who I guess you could call my "friend with benefits". Never thought I would have one of those in my life because I'm more of a relationship type of girl and this is the first time I've ever done something like this.

Now. Here's the confusing part. I don't want a relationship right now and I don't know whether I have feelings for my FWB. He's very attractive and lots of fun and good to talk to...also, good to fuck. But ... I don't know if all I want to be to him is a romp in the sack once in awhile, but I also don't want to be his girlfriend. Strange. I guess for now I'll just continue to do what I'm doin and have fun, because I am having fun and that's what counts.

But she... she is just amazing and beautiful and I really hope we can become good friends, if not more. But! I also don't know if I could ever be with a woman because that is so foreign to me and I'd probably be so shy and awkward around her. K.. done rambling.
I definitely have more feelings for the woman though, and I guess that's because whenever I'm with a man I feel like all I'm there for is the sex. I highly doubt it would be that way with a woman, it would be a deeper, more meaningful, spiritual connection.

I'm in Toronto and he went off to work and I decided to stay an extra night so I have the whole apartment and day to myself. What should I do?

Also, still no job. PRAY HARDER!

No guts, No glory

Need Mexico so bad right now, you don't even know. $$$ come my way so I can go on vacay!

I realize that everything happens for a reason, but sometimes I can't help but stop and wonder, Why did that have to happen?

Honestly, the only thing I would change is the fact that I really don't have that mother figure in my life. Sure, I do have a mother, but she has never been there for me. I know that I can't change anything and that we will never have that mother-daughter relationship that I so need, but sometimes I just wish things would have been different. I'm really fortunate to have a wonderful father though, who really is my best friend.
Now, let me explain my situation with my mother. She left when I was a baby, I'm sure she had her own problems to deal with and wasn't ready to be a parent. I know she had a pretty horrible upbringing, and I really don't blame her. But then she came back to my dad, and they had my sister, and she left again. My dad raised my sister and I, with the help of his parents and my aunts. My dad, sister and I never lived on our own and that's another thing I wish I could have changed. But my dad was young and alone, with two little girls and a broken leg, and he felt that he had no other choice but to continue living with his parents and letting them raise us. Now eventually I started to see my mom again, and I even lived with her for a few years. But her and I do not see eye to eye, whatsoever. Most of the time, I feel like she hates me. In my whole 21 years of existance, my mother and I have never had a conversation. Find that hard to believe? Well believe it. "Hello, how are you? What's new?" that is the extent of our conversations. We've never even had the sex talk! And we were both molested when we were younger. I am able to talk about that, but she won't talk about it at all. But it's like, I'm your daughter, don't you want to relate to me and ask me what happened etc? She doesn't know the story and I just think, if I had a daughter, I would want her to confide in me about those things. Like.. that's pretty huge.

And I feel like my mom has never really been supportive of me. When I was in my teenager years, I was pretty crazy. My parents had to watch me struggle with depression and suicide attempts, and I know it must have been pretty scary for them, I can't even imagine. Of course, I didn't realize this at the time, but I do now. But all through that shit I went through, do you think she ever sat down with me to talk about my feelings or problems? Or even to just offer a shoulder to cry on? My mom rarely hugs me, and definitely doesn't talk about feelings of any sort while I am the total opposite. Not trying to sound conceited here, but in my opinion, I'm probably the most open person that I know of and it's so weird because my parents are both closed books. My dad especially, he doesn't even like talking about things if he thinks they're wrong or whatever. I just.. love being open to endless possibilities.

I don't really know what the point of this post is really. I guess I just wish I had a better relationship with my mom but I need to come to terms with the fact that it will never happen and be okay with that. It's not my fault, it's not my problem, and I need to live with that. Another thing that bothers me is that I have a really awesome stepmom, and lately I feel like she hates me too. She hardly talks to me and I don't know what I did wrong. It bothers me that my stepbrother, whom I consider blood and we're super tight, gets away with everything and seems to never get in trouble. I just want to be treated equal. For instance, she gave him her car. It's a nice little 2003 Dodge Neon. My dad offered to help me buy a motorcycle, and right in front of me she pretty much told him no but that they could help me get a loan and I could pay for it on my own. That makes sense right? Give your son a car, but make me buy my own motorcycle? I don't have a problem paying for my own things, but that's just not fair. And I really love her and she's really easy to talk to, and it's just, sometimes she does these little things and it's like.. do you really hate me that much? It's just hard.

Anyway, the moral to my story is to learn from your mistakes, or your parents mistakes, and make sure to do things differently!

Dear 2008, I hate you!

I can't believe it's April already. Time flies. There's still snow on the ground but the weather is definitely getting nicer by the day.

I'm hoping this summer will be amazing, because so far, 2008 has been the worst year ever! First I get a bartholin cyst and had to have emergency surgery. Never had surgery before in my life, so it was very scary. Was sick for days because of all the medication that they put me on and it was such a pain in the ass. Then I fuck up my internship for school and totally blow my chances of getting hired there! My boyfriend cheated on me and broke up with me, and didn't feel sorry at all. That really hurt. I quit my job and for the first time since 2003, I'm unemployed. It's been a few months now and I can't stand doing nothing all day, so I really need to find something quick. My mom got laid off, for the first time in her life, and my dad got laid off as well. My mom found a new job and starts Monday, but my dad hasn't and won't find another job, so I'm praying that American Axil in the States will end their strike so my dad can go back to work! He hurt his back when I was really young and since then has been on comp or light duties. So nobody else will hire him. So this is pretty scary because if the strike doesn't end, he won't go back to work, which means he will most likely be unemployed for the rest of his life and we can't afford that. And I don't know if the strike will ever end because they want to cut the employee's wages in half, from $28 to $14.50 and that's just not going to cut it. Nobody can raise a family on that little money.
I applied at The Beer Store, 4 of them here in the city, and hopefully one of them calls me back. If you are reading this, say a little prayer for me? I desperately need a job.

And I've been sick for about 2 weeks now. First it was just a sore throat, and I was sick to my stomach. Seemed to go away for a little while and it's hit me again full force, except this time there's no stomach flu, just a seriously sore throat. I went to urgent care this morning and had to wait 75 minutes. Bullshit, but it happens. Now I have to take penicillan 4 times a day for 10 days. I should have gone to the doctor's sooner but I'm stupid and just thought it would go away on it's own. Obviously not, and now I'm really paying for it. My ears fucking kill, my whole body aches and it hurts like no other to swallow. Please, go away soon so I can go visit my "special friend" in Toronto because I really miss his awesomeness! Oh, and I had to pay for the medication because my mom took me off her health insurance and my dad's insurance thinks I'm under someone else's insurance. Tomorrow I'm going up to the school to see if they can give me a paper saying I'm enrolled and hopefully get on my stepmom's insurance. I need to be on someone's because it ends for good in September I believe because I'm over the age limit and won't be in school, and I need to get my wisdom teeth taken out before that happens because I can't afford that shit.

But seriously.. this year has just been one bad thing after another.
At least I'm keepin it positive!

Do you even know what "family" means?

I don't think you do. I almost want to say "the next time you need me, I won't be there" but that's not like me. Even though you are hardly ever there for me, I will always be there for you because I love you and because that's how I roll. I'll drop this for now and move on but you really need to open your eyes and realize that there's more to life than a significant other. There's no need for you to be attached at the hip, day in and day out. This has been going on for 3 years now and it's getting a little old. I know this is kind of mean because he's a really nice kid, but I don't even like him anymore because he's always with you and I hate him for that. Does he not have some friends he can hang out with for a couple hours every once in awhile so that you can spend some "quality time" with your family? ...stupid question.

For the first time in my life, I have realized that I can be happy by being alone. For the last 5 years or so I have been in relationship after relationship, 5 of them to be exact. And for the last 5 years, I have been completely miserable and I'm just now understanding why. It's because boys bring me down with all of their drama and their lies and their infidelity. You're supposed to be happy when you're in a relationship, and I don't think I've ever been truly happy in any relationship. There was always too many problems going on, but I always thought that I needed someone else to make me happy. I realize now that I was wrong. Very wrong. The only person who can make me happy is me. It's funny, 2008 has just begun and so far, it's been a rough year. But I can't remember ever being happier, and it's because I'm finally on my own. Finally realizing that it's okay to be alone. I don't know why I didn't think of this before, it would have saved me an awful lot of heartache. And I don't know why I always (used to) let boys use me. I don't deserve to be lied to, I don't deserve to be cheated on, I don't deserve to be treated like garbage, especially when I am nothing but honest and faithful to you. I am worth more than that and I am finally seeing this. Hallelujah! 

So glad to finally be happy and content with life! No boyfriend, no problems. And I'm actually starting to hang out with girls more often than guys, which is so unlike me. But I love my lady friends and I wouldn't have it any other way. The only thing that could make me happier is if there was a million dollars in my bank account or if I could leave this shithole. Honestly, people wonder why I'm always on drugs. There's absolutely nothing to do here, what else do you expect people to do in their free time? Getting away from here would help with my sanity so much. 

I've seen more spine in jellyfish

Sometimes I really wish that you would just stand up for yourself. Be a fucking man! Just for once. I believe in equality, and it's clearly not happening here. I'm honestly sick, but most of all, tired of this nonsense. Can you blame me? For every single thing that I get in trouble for, he gets away with. He gets everything handed to him on a silver platter, while I struggle. He had it so easy but I would never trade with him, ever. His upbringing is only going to screw him in the long run. Bottom line is, we're two "children", and I deserve to be treated the same way that you treat him. And as much as I love him, he is a spoiled rotten brat. And please don't threaten me when I bring this up. You know it's true just as much as I do, you just don't want to stand up to her. Sorry but unlike you, I'm not going to back down. I thought you weren't either... ah, women, they cast a spell on you.
(I hope you know that)

And please, do me a favour and keep your mouth shut about my current job status. It's not helping and to be completely honest, I'm only 21 years old and I'm not really thinking about what I'm going to be doing for the rest of my life. At this point, I could care less. All I care about is getting a job anywhere and saving some cash to travel and get the hell out of here. Even if only for a week. Travel. My heart yearns for it.

On a brighter note, today the birds were chirping and I cried for the first time in weeks. That's a good thing, right?

So, is that what you call a getaway?
Well tell me what you got away with.
Cause I've seen more spine in jellyfish.
I've seen more guts in eleven-year-old kids.

So, I guess I'm blogging now... stay tuned.